It seems that in the past year in a half I've gone from enjoying the single life to becoming completely ready for interdependence. A husband, kids, a whole life.

I wasn't sure I'd ever desire this. I knew someday I'd probably want children because I love kids so much, but I never thought I'd wake up one day and imagine the sacrifices I'd make for my children willingly. I never imagined looking forward to sitting at my little girls dance class in awe of her slightly awkward movements; or my sons attempt at shooting a puck and landing smack on his bum. I thought I'd always dream of being 40 with my own pad and some successful career of my own. Instead, I'm starting to dream of the seemingly mundane things I'll do with my family some day. Picnics and homes and arguments with my teenagers about when they should be home. I know it's all probably romanticised in my mind and in real life I'll want to scream at them from time to time, but regardless, I want to be a mom, a wife, someday a grandmother... I used to hate the idea of the American dream and now I figure that I was born with some sort of white priviledge and despite trying to reject it... it's too hard. I can't go living like that isn't an option for me. I can't pretend that the life my parents lived wasn't incredible. To love someone enough to stay with them through everything and to have kids as screwed up as Shawn and I have been and somehow make it through. I think I can do it... Who knows what the world will look like, by the time my kids are in their teens and twenties... but who cares. It changes generation to generation and somehow people make it through. Somehow...

We can do it too.

I think one of the things I like most about leaving home is that I get to start a new adventure with as few things as possible. Going to a new country with a suitcase and purse to live off of for a year is liberating. You get to leave all the stuff that drags you down in some room back at home and be unattatched and free.

Over the time away though, I always start accumulating crap again. I fill up drawers with clothes and buy bookshelves to fill with books, and this cycle doesn't seem to end.

When I came home from Korea (a few months ago) I sent 3 large boxes full of stuff. I came home excited to open all the things I'd collected over the past year as though they were some prize for all my travels.

The problem is, everything starts getting old. Old stuff isn't as good and in my new simple life, everything needs to be new. Instead of throwing out the old stuff. I hoard it. I hold on so tight my knuckles turn white. I leave the stuff all folded neat at home, awaiting my return. Waiting to drag me down in 6 months, 1 year, 2 weeks...

I try to think of University as providing me this liberal education. Lately, I've been growing more and more frustrated with the job market and see my possibilites as getting a job completely unrelated to my degree, and even not requiring of one, going back to university to become more knowledgable about some abstract idea, or to go to college, get a diploma in something practical and get a job. I could be an x-ray technician or someone who works fancy machines at a hospital. I could work for Canadian immigration, serving 'the people'. There are lots of potential jobs out there, but the problem is, I don't want to feel like my 4 years at university were a waste. They were invaluable to me as a person and I just wish that fact transcended to everyone in my life.


It seems like I care too much what everyone else thinks, but mostly I just dont want to disapoint myself...

I've always been very focused on tangibility. I care about things I can see and it's very shallow on so many levels. I care about the books on my shelf rather than the books I've read. I care about the pages of my journal being full, rather than quality in the writing. I care about a nice figure in my bank account, and what I look like in the mirror. I take pictures to capture memories, and always make sure to post the ones I look fabulous in. I focus on the exterior so much, the interior has no time to grow.

God has been difficult for me to fully grasp for so many reasons, but I think this is the primary problem. To me, God just isn't tangible enough.

I'm still battling with this in Korea. My priority list consists of going to the gym, and working more to acquire more financial success... I keep forgetting to breathe and just love the life I'm living. So with this in mind, I'm going to come home for Christmas. Not because it makes the most sense. It really doesn't at all. I won't be able to add it to a list of cool adventures I've had this year, it's just home. It's not some grande tangible accomplishment - if anything it's me recognizing my vulnerability and need for the friends and family that I left behind this year. I don't care about any of this. I am coming home because that is something I want to do.

How is it that my mind sometimes is still plagued by memories of days not only days gone by, but days that passed so long ago? I fear the problem with this predicament is that the past is so easy to romanticize; to look at through rose coloured glasses and remember so fondly. The current relationships are always full of such trial it's hard to hold on when you have such fond memories of 'what love should be like'... It never is - and quite honestly it wasn't then. But for some reason I've become the master of lying to myself - thinking things were lovelier before this love.

So this standard of what I believe love should be like (because somewhere deep within me, I feel I've already attained it at one point) may be doomed. Do I hold onto that image tightly regardless of it's validity? Or do I even really have a choice... the image feels so ingrained that regardless of what I want to do - with this caliber of belief in something, my faith seems completely unfaltering.

Why do I have so much difficulty with faith in other things...

It's hard reading old journal entries. I always wonder if I'm regressing or if in some miniscule ways I'm progressing forward to some new self realization. Is it possible to really find yourself? How do you know the path you're meant to take?

I've been seeing this really great guy. I feel to cynical to put much faith in it; don't get me wrong he is a great guy - I'm just not sure I have the faith in people to believe things really turn out. I don't have any idyllic view on love, if anything it's tainted and sour and very beaten up. However, he is teaching me splendid things about just letting someone into your life... compromise is difficult sometimes, especially when I'm coloured by this uncertainty. However, why do we think we only need to compromise in romantic relationships? I'm sure there are plenty times that I've compromised with my friends to add depth to our relationship, but with friends it seems so natural to make small compromises. In a relationship I feel like fleeing at the first sight of conflict.

I am very uncertain about my future. Sometimes I feel like it would be easier to believe in God and some divine plan - just for the sake of getting rid of the fears associated with uncertainty. Faith in a plan that is bigger and better than mine... Somewhere along the road I have lost that - and maybe that is part of my fear in regressing. Maybe I am scared that I'm making the wrong decisions. I'm not sure how to hold onto the faith anymore - when I was holding on based on others experiences...

Everything is colliding at lightening speed. My life is about to shatter to a million pieces and I am just passively watching. Mostly because I feel like I'm not really living that life, but am more so a spectator in the life everyone calls mine. Sleep is my only solace and even then it feels broken and interrupted. I often toy with the idea of becoming completely apathetic, and I'm certain there are drugs that can numb you to such a state. People talk about the importance of being fully alive, but it's hard to take part in that excitement when my body feels like an empty vessel. Nothing feels right anymore. I don't want to waste breath on the wrong people, but every desire I have feels like it needs to be met now or else I wont continue on. I will stop and become dead weight. Reality is loosing it's appeal.

I feel hopeless and disapointed. I am looking through a bunch of sites on the refugee situation in and around Burma. The problem is that words and images don't depict the pain and anguish these people live through. I am supposed to help make this poster on refugee awareness, but I don't know how to convey the tragedy in words or on paper. I don't know how to really get to that part of a persons soul where they'll actually stop and look and be impacted. It's so frustrating. You just think of all those times that you've just walked by an important display and thought wow, that's nuts, and never really let it sink in. Never really thought about it long enough to let it impact and influence your life. Now I feel like I'm sitting at that booth, desperately trying to get a message across, but people are just brushing the messages off. They're too depressing, not the type of thing you want to think about on a Friday afternoon. This is before the display is even up. It is such an awesome and wicked opportunity to even be able to be a part of this, and I'm so disapointed and we haven't even started. It's bad that I feel this way, like I somehow feel less ignorant because I've seen some of the people first hand, but the fact is that I'm not doing anything about it right now?! I'm not sending them money, I'm just telling more people that they should be doing something about it. And really it feels quite hypocritical right now.

I was so frustrated about school last year because I felt like I should be doing something important for the rest of the world. Then I went out, saw the problems, tried to help in whatever limited way I could, and I'm back here, educating myself so hopefully someday I'll go back and help? I'm mad at myself lol.

hmmph.

Yesterday had to be the greatest day. I had some fears about this semester because of how much I seemed to hate Guelph, and how wrong it felt for me. I even had a slight panic Sunday night thinking why am I back here. I will finish my degree though - even if it isn't the most rewarding thing to do right now. I think it just might be the right thing, and if it isn't the degree wont hurt me (though the waste of time may...)
Today I feel insignificant (and somewhat inadequate). It's not the greatest feeling to have, but I think it's humbling to feel once in awhile and should really be looked at in a positive light, which I'm desperately trying to do. I know that I'm "fearfully and wonderfully made" so I'm starting to worry less about my worth - but I am concerned about my significance. How can I be used and impact lives? I think after yesterday's incredible greatness today was bound to be less incredible... lol. First everythings are always better than seconds, BUT I am going to go to my FIRST day of my next 2 classes so that should be good.

I'm really rambling in this... But if you want to know what I'm really thinking about. It is what is friendship... What is it all about, what's the deal. When do you just throw in a towel. You can't change people... but when do you give up hoping they'll change themselves... So with that said. I'm off for now.

I didn't think I would have an internet cafe right beside my room here BUT I do! Crazy eh?

Today we did a tour of the slums in Bangkok. The number is as high as 80% of the Bangkok population are not living comfortably and are struggling to survive. I think God is really opening my eyes to the problems here. I know there are problems everywhere. I'm totally realizing that, but I'm thinking if I have a heart to work in Thailand or Africa, it's totally fine. I know there is important stuff to do in Canada, but I'm more interested in developing countries right now:) Maybe in 10 years that will change! So I thought about how much I want to come back to Thailand for awhile and teach. I also thought about how cool it would be to go to Africa with Andrea when she's done her nursing and I could teach and she could give medical help. Way cool :)

love you all! xoxox -- 4 more days until Ko Chang (booyah!!!) -- 11 more days until Party at Andrea's!!! -- 12 more days until HOME!!!

Today our team takes off and flys to Bangkok. Yes it's true. lol. I think I will randomly call people and laugh because I'm in Bangkok. Goes to show how mature Melissa is. lol :)

Weeee I'm at a Christian bookstore and they have a super rad "cafe" idea thing going on. I'm super impressed and think that I should open one in Canada/in my HOUSE! Yah that's right. How sweet would that be? Super books, super coffee, super cookies. BOOYAH!

I've been thinking about new years and am stresed out. I want to sleep through it this year.

lah lah lah. OH and this lady Jenni told me I should be a nurse and work in an orphanage and educate teenage women about sex in a developing country. Cool eh? Too bad I'm not becoming a nurse. lol. Kate saw a ahem doing that. I don't wanna!!!

So anyways. I can't believe how weird and random this is. I think I should just go back to Juniper Tree for the remainder of the afternoon. Last day there. ahhh

12 days left!!! Love you guys!

wowzers. I have 2 weeks left in good ol' Thailand. I'm sad and happy about that. AHHH I just bought a picture for 1000 BAHT! :S It's a really sweet picture that I want to get mounted. SO I mean it's not too tragic! lol. It's just sad that the stuff I really like is so expensive. I could have like fed a village oh dear. I feel terrible now. FRICK.

well then. I'm going to go watch "I just Married an Axe Murderer" because that is on the agenda!

booyah.

There once were two girls who had the most beautiful blonde locks. It was long and flowing and perfect as it was; however, these two ladies decided to excentuate their beautiful blonde locks with a new look. They thought "wow wouldn't it be fun to come home from Thailand looking cool and stylish?" "I could look like Avril" one said, the other "I could look like Kelly Clarkson" So with pictures in hand they ventured into the Thai Hair Salon. It began with a wonderful head massage as they shampooed our hair. After this the troubles began... *dun dun dun* We could not communicate with the hair stylists - so both of us prayed, and put our trust in God. (we're still trying to process why God wants us ugly... any answers out there???) They both realized quickly their training in Thailand differs greatly from that in Canada... They realized "wow they aren't putting the dye onto my roots" and "wow, my hair looks orange" and soon the other girls said "oh dear, my hair looks iunno like greenish gray". They neglected to put toner on our lovely blonde locks (YAH THATS RIGHT, THIS HAPPENED TO US!!! The story turns first person, and anger begins showing)... SO basically I wanted to throw a chair at the lady who did my hair, but she didn't understand... Shanna has one dark streak randomly placed in her hair... HONESTLY --> you know those dirty kids in high school who looked like they didn't wash their hair??? and always had weird colours in them??? THATS ME!!! Funny story... I cried about my hair once, I'm not crying now... I'm sitting here with tinfoil ever so gently placed on my ORANGE pieces of hair, wearing a rain jacket still hoping God is gonna pull me through this one :o)

P.S. If I have brown hair by morning. this is why...

I just got back from another week in the villages. This time we went to 2 villages along the Burma boarder, both were close to Mae Sot. The time there was really eye opening. I don't have any idea what plans God has for me still, but I've been learning a lot about my passions and even my abilities. I went into the week completely stressed out. I was bitter with the rules we had thinking they were completely limiting and in a sense stunting any growth I was trying to make. I was sick of people, I wanted a time out where I could be alone in solitude and mostly I was just really really tired. All that changed this week. The Vacation Bible School that we had planned for both villages went incredibly well. The kids the second day of being in Mae Sot totally changed my mood. There were lots of little 2-4 year olds running around and listening better than most 2-4 year olds I know. They were cute and so drawn to affection. Not many were shy; most were so willing to give you a huge smile and hug and sit on your lap while they listened to Bible stories. That night we had a camp fire for the youth kids and they really enjoyed it. PiChu got me to sing Lanna for some of them. That was embarassing since I know like 1/4 of the song and hummed the rest of it. meh. They loved it!!! Yay Melissa singing in Thai!!! :) The next day Cam, Mike, Priscille and I made Tye Died t-shirts with the kids at the school in Mae Sot. We thought T-shirts would be a good idea because these villages are on the boarder of Burma and a lot of the kids are refugees and some are just really poor. It worked out great and God was amazing - we had exactly the right number of t-shirts, not one to spare! Cam, Priscille, Mike and I dyed our hands. lol. Totally sick and wrong. Nobody should have purple or green hands (except maybe the hulk?) Most of mine is off now, a week later... That night Andrea, Nads and I had a fun eventful evening in the hotel being dorks. :) Yah. we definately can't tell what happened. Sorry... On the Thursday we went back to the school and did some crafts, Bble stories, songs and games in the morning and in the afternoon we had going away ceremonies where we sang them some songs and gave them gift bags. The kids had tonnes of fun with the bubbles (the kind that don't pop, they are like balloons, after you blow them up) Actually I think it might have been me who was having lots of fun with them... :) The Friday we drove to another village and met Pastor Edmond. He is an amazing Godly Man from Burma I think origionally. He is Karen so it is hard to know exactly where he is from since the majority of the Karen live along the boarder, but he is the leader of Hilltribe Ministries. He said it sounds fancy, but really it's just a lot of people without money counting on God for provision. It was really cool, because he is the first non-Western missionary I've met in Thailand. He figures financial stuff out so kids can go to school in his village. We did the same sort of thing in that village with the vacation Bible school, but we had some different kids. It was really cool having some kids come from Umpang (a Thai city) to do the Bible school stuff with us. Syne, one of the girls I met was completely adorable (she was actually 18, but still cute). She was very passionate about God and ministry and it is so awesome how you can see a person reflect Jesus, without being able to speak with them much. We made styrofoam pictures with them, which is really hard to explain but she gave hers to me. With how little she has she was so willing to make me something with the supplies we brought for her. It was awesome. On the Sunday morning we led the whole church service which was really cool and challenging for our team. The leaders did the main sermon on Sunday - but I did the Youth Sunday School "mini-lesson" and it went so well. I was so encouraged with how God used me to speak truth to these students :) And also by Wes commending me on doing well and using some of the stuff I spoke to the youth again in the service :) The whole thing went incredible !!! Yesterday we went to the 6th most beautiful waterfall in the world, and the tallest in Thailand. I've come to the conclusion that my favorite activity is swimming in waterfalls. It's awesome with the team, because there are always lots of people to splash and swim with. Nads and I climbed up this mudslide hill, little did we realize how hard it would be to get down. We start laughing as the Thai and Karen boys have to help us down thinking that they probably thought "wow, stupid forongs" (they call us forongs here. lol) They taught me another song - not by lanna, but it was still cool. lol. I will probably never remember it though... *tear*. Anyways, back to Mae Sot yesterday (way too long of a drive, way too carsick) and then Nads and I ran to an internet cafe, it was closed, ran to another one, and were disapointed by a measly 2 emails haha. So then we went to "sev" (7/11) and ate yogurt and went back to the hotel for another Nads, Andrea, and Melissa bonding experience - this one is sharable since everyone knows about it anyways. lol. We all hopped in our bathingsuits and had a "hot tub" party in our tub. It was fun - slushy in one hand, and another hand awkwardly trying not to squish anyone. Sadly though - my side of the tub got cold the fastest because it was farthest from the tap - so I ruined the party and got out. Turned off the AC because despite what you all may think Thailand can get cold at night (10 degrees). I think I am a wus I woke up one morning and told PiJane I had frostbite, she laughed at me and told me to go back to Canada. lol.

Anyways this is the longest journal entry ever eh? Everyone went to the night market but I wanted to read. I'm reading two books at the moment, one of which has a book report due on Friday. Good thing I only have 5 pages left of that one. Case for Faith is the book report book and I'm kind of excited to write the book report because I really liked it. I'm not sure if I agree with it 100% but I at least appreciated the opinions and who knows, maybe I will agree with them someday. ? The other book is "Every Young Woman's Battle" and it is all about Purity. Now, I didn't give it much of a fair chance at first. I laughed at it thinking wow another cheeseball book by some crazy prude. I especially laughed at the chart that said I wasn't allowed to wear a bikini to help wash my boyfriends car as a gesture of kindness. lol. I'm not sure if I laughed because I have no problem with it or because it is kind of a funny picture running through my head. BUT - then I read it's ideal "Mrs. Right" and after getting over the fact she was called "Mrs. Right" I read the list and the book gained some credibility in my mind. It wasn't as off the wall as I had initially thought. So tonight was the books second chance, and it's going pretty well. I think I may actually learn something (or a lot) afterall :)

<3

I think this journal is a waste. I'm sick of it. I'm in Thailand and more than anything I just want to enjoy this experience until it is over. I just spent an hour on the phone with Kristin who I miss and love dearly. I cannot wait until we are together doing our silly stupid crazy things that we manage to always do. :) Plus then I can meet this interesting Sean character. I also miss Stef - oddly enough I have hardly talked to her... I would cry except I know that when I get home we will spend lots of time together drinking wine. That makes all things well. Too bad it will be too cold for the porch, and too bad the snow will make my tan look darker... At least I think it will? Then there is Kaylagh who happened to remember lots of times, which made me laugh intensely. For example the infamous lipgloss? Who could deny it's insane qualities? I mean Todd may try, but we all know he lost that battle.

As for what is going on here. I am currently sitting beside Nick as he booted me off the MSN computer so I am sitting here watching him look at model airplane website while he basically talks to nobody. I think I got ripped off, but I wont cry... See I'm doing good at not crying. I learned how to play hearts tonight, I didn't loose, actually Nick lost. It was a funny event because he actually knew how to play. I would tell you more about what was happening on a Study/Learning level, but I really don't feel like it. They get us to do so many journals here that I feel like writing crap about nothing. So I will continue. There was a fun moment this evening (Yes only one, we cannot over do "fun") hmmm. Ask the BC boys who aparently know about sarcasm about that comment... ?! Anywho. The girls have these ugly Pakima's when I say ugly, multiply what you're picturing by a million and you might be able to envision these weird moo moo things that we had to buy to wear in the villages so creepy people didn't watch us shower. Well, us girls love them so much we wear them around the Juniper Tree now... They're so ugly, but it is funny creeping Josh out by wearing them. Plus, we really don't want to cause our brothers to stumble... ANNND we know we would, because we are all fine female specimens. Good news on the massage front. I got a foot massage tonight and I enjoyed it. I didn't pay for it and I got free ice cream also. BUT Kristin made homemade fresh baked cookies and I didn't get any of those... so I am pissed about that... but not really. just pretend mad... i think... I will get over it when I get home and she has some made for me though (hint hint)

I started thinking about that past and how stupid it is. Like really why do I even write journals. Isn't it kind of stupid to dwell on the past and reread what I've felt? Like why not go out and rebreak my heart instead of reading about my first heartbreak in a journal? Truthfully though, I have been thinking about how much I, as a North American, try to monitor the present with Journals and Camera's and Video Camera's... and how that just takes away from the future really. I think about the people who live here and have constant adventure, and I'm so focused on catching it all on camera it's lame and I quit... but not really. lol. I enjoy journaling too much... I'm a freak. Why do I ever think at all? I mean it's 2 in the morning here so I guess that is a bit of an excuse for my incoherent stupid talk.:D weeee

"I believe there is a hell to a delayed salvation because the tears that flow are tears of what was lost before you came to know God. Does he forgive your past? Yes, but sometimes you cannot forget it." Lee Strobel's book Case for Faith.

Tomorrow I'm heading to Ma Hung San - which is a Karen village, I'm pretty sure it's north of Chiang Mai - which means it will be chillie. As much as it is HOT here, I can notice how the temperature has cooled off since we've gotten here. We had some days of 40 at first and now they're about 25-30ish. I'm really excited to go into the villages. We will have some hikes, and work along side the villagers.

Lately has been good. The girls on the team are getting much closer and the guys are just weirdos. lol jks. They keep us laughing and smiling. :) Friday we went and did pottery, and rode water buffalo (except that it hurt. I don't like riding them! lol) annnd yesterday I took a cooking class and went to starbucks PLUS had a foot massage.

Anyways. blah blah blah.

Wow. Tonight was interesting. I ate frog legs, fish egg soup (in some weird tubes), squid (not rings!), fish balls (not testicles, just balls of fish)... and I feel somewhat proud of myself. Instead of retching I ate it and now my stomach kind of hurts BUT I ate it. lol. It really tasted good for the most part, my stomach has just been acting funny lately so it probably had very little to do with the food at all!

Today I went to Pi Chu's church again (funny how I keep spelling her name differently, but I finally know how so that is right). Next week we are doing a couple worship songs for them. It sounds awesome with the english and thai together. I love it :)

Yesterday was amazing. We went on a hike a few hours away from where we are staying. So we drove to a National Park and hiked for just over an hour then went to the Kings project. The Kings project is a bunch of different herbs and coffee plants/trees being grown in a village because it used to grow opium. We had coffee there, which was amazing. I took some beans lol. Then we went to a 350 foot waterfall (which we passed on the hike and decided to come back to). I've never had so much fun in a waterfall. I mean I haven't been in many waterfalls either, but we swam through it (from behind). and walked along the bottom of the cliff and tried to look out through it. We dove into it. Basically it was the most fun ever! :)

Anyways I should go take something for my stomach. haha. pepto bismol here I come !!! :)
Love you all!
lis

I don't really like my lis in thailand journal, so I'm just going to continue writing in this one instead. :) Today I went to a church service in Thai. Last week we went to a missionary church, so it was all in english and really not that exciting. I really wanted to experience the culture, especially the differences and similarities to how they worship the same God as us. Pi Chew took us to her church and a man named Mark translated everything for us. The worship music was the same as ours. The words were simply translated into Thai, so we were able to sing english words with them. I thought that was interesting because something like language you would think could put barriers between cultures, but it was amazing hearing people with a different language worship God to the same song as me. It was also amazing how focused the church was on community and evangelism. We asked the person beside us their struggles and prayed, everyone in the church had the opportunity to be prayed for without being singled out. I thought that was a very valuable quality. There was also time to share two testimonies. So it didn't get drawn out, but there was still encouragement through the testimonies. And finally after the service there is a lunch cooked for everyone to eat and fellowship together after the service. I thought that was a good idea, and you just put donations in the food bag during offering.

Good times. gtg.

Wow. I wanted to update this again instead of writing in my little paper journal because I think it's worth sharing. Yesterday was incredible. It was our scavenger hunt around Chiang Mai. In the morning we went to a museum and learned about the city then made these paper things all cut up lol. I don't think they have a name. or at least they didn't tell us one! Then we went for lunch at this totally authentic thai restaurant which was AMAZING. lol. Jen and I were eating together and the Thai girls "p" moi and "p" guess told us the jelly was frog eggs so Jen and I were disgusted going to eat them anyways, we're like chewing them, theres crunchy stuff in the middle and they were killing themselves laughing because it was really just fruit. lol. I love those girls, they taught us lots of Thai words. Then laughed at the way we said them because aparently white people sound cute when they talk.

The scavenger hunt was so much fun. We went pretty much all over Chiang Mai.

and I'm running out of time so I'll write more later!
<3 you all.
lis

(The book I'm reading is so good. It's called adventures in Missing the Point.)